Bump ahead!

After countless days' worth of soul-searching, after all the sins, after all the old-fashioned ways, I've come across a billboard made especially for me bearing the words: "Maybe you're not living it right!"

Wow. Maybe I'm not! Yes, that's probably it. I do not really seek contentment - to be content is to lose all passion. To be content is to whistle as you go to your medium-size desk at the office, which has a semi-tall pile of to-prepare papers for your boss and tell yourself, "Life can't get any better than this." To be content is to sit on the porch, sipping your lemonade on a hot day and watching the kids play on the lawn. Not that the latter isn't fun to do - IT IS FUN TO DO! - but if being content is to do that thing everyday, then I'd gladly welcome wishful thinking and more ambition.

I welcome passion. I crave it like a strawberry daiquiri. Like a soft Taco from Miggy's. Like buffalo wings and paella valenciana. Maybe that's why I've been so bored and restless throughout the semestral break. This is supposed to be my last sembreak before I get my Juris Doctor degree. I'm supposed to be going out and having so much fun that 10 years from now, I'll be looking back to this sembreak with a wistful smile, saying "My, my... Now that was such a fun time!"

Oh yes, I went to Boracay and stayed at a posh place. But I could have had more fun there. I could've done better.

Maybe I'm not drinking enough. Yeah. I should go out and party and dance like that time at Blue Onion - the last time I went there. Okay, I'm definitely drinking this week.

Maybe because I'm in law school and if I had an inkling of sense back in 2005, I wouldn't have enrolled in law school. I could have just followed what my impractical and frequently fickle-minded (if that is even a plausible description) heart wanted to do back then: go abroad and get a second degree or even master's in theater or literature or communications or international relations. Now, I'm stuck in law school and I have to love and learn every legal process that can save my future clients' asses from utter destruction. Or die trying.

Of course I want an escape! Unlike the other sane people in the law school, I am still dreaming about Prince Charming and how he's going to sweep me off my feet and whisk me away to a faraway land where he'd propose to me, we'd marry and have babies, and live happily ever after. And I won't ever gain a pound.

But seeing that such fantasies are far from appearing at my gate, I just feed myself with comical chick-literature by Sophie Kinsella and teenage vampire love stories by Stephenie Meyer. (Have suggestions, do share.)

In the chick-lit reading vice, I can honestly say I'm living it right. I like those books, however shallow, irritatingly dumb, hopelessly romantic, and anti-feminist they may be. And I'm reading them. For sembreak, at least. But in other life-aspects, I'm not so sure. I don't really do what I want to do.

I don't drink a lot for fear of getting drunk and crashing my car against something and, worse, killing other people in the process. That wouldn't do well for my potential legal career. And I'm scared of hangovers. I don't like having puke in my throat every 5 or so minutes. I don't like worshipping the toilet bowl for more than half of the day in an attempt to keep my bed and bedroom floor puke-free.

But I like cocktails and wines and tequilas and citrus-flavored daiquiris and, sometimes even beer. I like experimenting with drinks. I like trying new drinks everytime I go to a bar. I like how my tongue loosens up (although alcohol is really unnecessary) after 2 bottles/glasses/shots or something. I like dancing with friends and strangers (strange BUT HARMLESS AND GORGEOUS, and not to mention hygienic and well-groomed - is requiring an IQ of at least 160 pushing my luck? - men) and just.not.caring.at.all.

Oh I'm definitely going to a foreign country (out of Asia) and trying out the beer there. And the bars. And, ... *wicked smile*

This is not to say that in order to "live it right" one has to be a party-girl. Of course not. It's just one of the boxes in my should-have-done-this list. And I can still do it, mind you.

Living it right. For me, it just means living the way I want my life to be lived. By myself, of course. By thinking of other people, too, but not letting them dominate my choices. I should always do the "right" thing, but my morals are my own. I'm not saying that if one thinks murdering one's neighbors is morally good, one should do it. Duh-h-h. I'm not speaking for the murderers. Or the rapists. Or the super pious. Or even my neighbor, for that matter. I'm speaking for myself.

And partying/having a fun time out is just one of my many check-boxes. I don't want to reach 30 and regret not ever having done this and that. I've already destroyed a big chunk of my life for things I don't really care about. I've already gone to a tunnel I don't really like much.

The least I can do to help my sanity and to salvage my passion is to accomplish as many of my check-boxes as possible.

Propriety be damned.