Crash into Me: Of Fear, Of Faith

Once in a broken family, always in a broken family.

I have always feared that possibility. The fear actually replaced my prior one of getting pregnant at the age of 16, being thrown out of the house by my father, and having the sperm-donor forsake me as he learns about my pregnancy. I made sure that didn't happen. And it did not. (I'm now 22.)

Then comes the new one. Compared to the unscheduled pregnancy fear, this one is much harder (and takes longer) to avoid. Whereas, then, I was just focused on getting past my 16th year here in this vice-filled earth with a flat tummy and a pristine womb, my new fear is more likely to linger until God knows when - either until the family I have successfully established with the person I had vowed to love for the rest of my life crumbles and falls apart (proving me right in my pessimism) or until I breathe my last, leaving my entire family mourning for my demise. Now in the second scenario, I would be proven wrong: my fear would cease to exist since I can be sure that the broken family curse didn't stay on with me. But more importantly, I would also cease to exist alongside that fear.

I can never be certain about where the roads will take me. Sure, I may know where I want to go, where I'd like to end up and with whom but the Skies may not share my dreams and preferences. It may rain on the day I scheduled a trip to the mountains. A car may hurtle from across the street and crash into me as I walk to school one fine day, erasing all my plans.

When I was younger, I tend to dream about all sorts of beautiful things and believe I can actually have them in, say, 5 years. Time passes by quickly and... my dreams remained as they were. That also means I never let them fade away. Yes, still I dream of being happy and stable someday, sans the tiara and the Beauty/Belle yellow ball gown: me, happy and secure with a good family which will never be broken by worldly factors.

It's strange that when I'm in my world, I tend to be more confident about the future. I get to have the strength and the hopeful disposition of 10 Sara Crewes; I know for certain I will be in the top spot in the near future. I believe that my dreams can and actually will materialize before me anytime soon.

Once in a broken family, always in a broken family.

But when the line comes out of another's lips, I'm left speechless. My courage leaves me; my dreams crumble. I fall.

It was not my fault that circumstances drove my mother away from me. I didn't assign myself to be brought under the care of yayas for about 78% of my life. I didn't wish for my father and mother not to marry each other and raise me as a normal child in a 'complete' family. It wasn't my choice to make and I shouldn't automatically have that fate, too, all because of the decisions my ascendants made during their time (or what the Skies made for them, whichever is more apt). Whatever happened to due process?

A preacher then told me to have Faith. Faith. It's such a small word for something so difficult to cough up. Why will I trust in something I couldn't see? How can I believe that things will fall squarely into their places when others' lives are such a mess? Does God play favorites? People tell me God will surely be good to me but how can they even say that? How can people know that they qualified for a happily-ever-after trophy?

Faith. The word ricochets all over my consciousness. I've prayed for it over and over again. I've willed myself to succumb to the Skies and its Map. Faith's wall had taken me quite some time to build, only for it to crumble and turn into sand by that same preacher's demeaning swipe.


Now, I long to sit on the pavement and wait for a car or anything heavy and deadly to crash into me. Maybe then, Faith will be there when - if - I open my eyes.