taking a deep, positive, breath

A master of the art of tax and procedure told me to stop being melodramatic. And that I have absolutely nothing to be insecure about. And that having faith can sometimes prove to be beneficial to one's spirit.

I don't really agree with him but I guess I won't damage my brain if I do try to be positive for a while, or at least until my nerves can't take this (noxious?) change anymore.

Truth be told, I want to trust people badly and just hold on to that sprig of hope that there ARE still good people in the world. Honest people. Trustworthy people. Sincere, good people.

Fine. I just want to be in control of everything. I don't like to be surprised. So what better to do than to anticipate cruelty. But I guess that's just not how the Heavens had wanted Its people to be like. (Funny I always say "the Heavens" instead of God, Father Almighty, etc.) I guess that's where faith steps in.

I spend 99.9% of my time (almost) just worrying about the future and doubting people's intentions. The practice hasn't made me more human nor more discerning. In fact, I think it has made me older but, definitely, most definitely, not wiser. I should trust people. Especially those who have been there for me, through the good times and even some of the bad times.

They might have hurt me along the way, with their insensitivity and whatnots but hey, I've hurt them too. An eye for an eye, though I am most vengeful.

But hurting is not the point. Learning is. And "searching for the thing that's worth living for." The search. I've found mine more than a year ago, after praying at the Monastery of Transfiguration in Bukidnon. Although a few months thereafter, I've forced myself to think that the happiness will not last in order to "remain sane". However, it worked against my purpose.

There must be a reason why the Heavens (okay, God) led me to where I am now. To amuse and entertain others with my crazy antics and my uncanny knack for corny jokes? To nurse people when they're not in tip-top shape? To be there for the one person I care much about during his "down" times? Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. I could only surmise but I shouldn't expect my reward immediately thereafter. Neither should I demand for it. Heaven knows what to do and I should have faith.

Love? Of course I should have that too. And DO, that, mind you. Without doubting, without asking why and what for. Without bartering for something in return.

It's a long way off my usual course of business but I guess it'll be worth all the sweat in the end. The learning process never stops and if I'd ever find myself falling from a cliff after, I shouldn't regret. Even falls feel good: the wind blowing through your hair, the velocity, nothingness around you. Falls do not go on forever. You hit the ground and you have a new life. Life begins for you again, one way or the other.

I wish he'd read this and feel my sincerity, my contrition. I've been self-destructive for so long and have always justified this by some lame excuse or another. It has got to stop. I have got to live meaningfully.

I'd laugh a lot more. Laughter is not only good for my heart but also for my abs. Since I'm thinner now (I remember that light post of a guy who had referred to me before as "chubby"), having sculpted abs should make me look tougher.

If the month ends with me in tears, fine. In laughter, better. No regrets still. Every step I have taken to get here has a meaning and a few gashes won't make me less of a person. The important thing is that I have taken those steps, and lived.

P.S.
Chang, please support my "positive" stance. Comment positively. Hahaha!