Reliving August 7, 2004

Something I wrote that day.

admission
how about
... you and i stay for a while
among the withered roses
beyond our caved secrets
how about
... drops of coffee
to aid our thoughts
and stain our senses
how about

... a silence long due
a break from the awkward noises
we always make
how about
... sleeping beside our graves
holding in our hands the fact
that heroes can't be saved

Does the Evil hurt?

When terminated at work, does the Evil hurt? Or when jilted at the altar? Or when stabbed in the back by alleged friends, does the Evil feel the pain?

Pain. It is supposed to make us realize we're human. That we feel. That we bleed. Pain doesn't really make the world go round. On the other hand, it makes our heads spin in agony, so crazily that we don't get to see the concrete beneath our feet anymore.

We inflict pain on others, be it intentionally or unintentionally. Others return the favor, so to speak. And we bleed. We're human, after all.

But does the Evil feel pain?

I'm not talking about the cruel people, or the bad ones who commit thievery in order to survive or those who fib about not smoking to their parents. I refer to those whose conscience has seem to have long deserted them, to those who can rape their moms, daughters, and siblings or murder their neighbors just for the heck of it. I refer to the people whose hearts are as black as night, who commit mortal sins effortlessly, even laughing as they execute their dark deeds.

When inflicted with the pain - however slight, however immense - by other people, do they hurt, too? Are they, like us, humans who also bleed?

Or have they become numb and unfeeling? So much that they cannot anymore feel the sand beneath their feet?

paint me.

I could be happier. I try to be. Happy. Happier. Although I vaguely remember someone telling me once one shouldn't try so hard to be happy, else it's not really happiness that comes, if ever a similar feeling comes. It's going to be a delusion, not the real happiness. Or maybe just a feeling one got to feign. It works for some. But not really for long. And it gets taxing, too.

I try to be someone I'm not. Someone more, someone less than who I really am -- all depends on how you look at it, really. Less expression, more detachment. Whereas I would have yelled or laughed out loud or even danced to my hips' content, I'd bite the insides of my cheeks now. And look away. Sometimes, I let myself smile and maybe laugh a bit. Just two "Haha!"s suffice.

But I do try to understand that the world does not revolve around myself nor around any single human being or physical thing, for that matter. That truth exists -- it has always existed. But whereas before it was just a cliche that hung around along with the other "Early to bed, early to rise..." lines, it is now a spoonful of wisdom I'd have to force myself to swallow daily, if not every quarter of a day or so.

It's not that hard to be un-feeling. It's just when the reality of it -- of you trying your damnedest to feel nothing -- creeps in on you that sucks the most.

adrift

I drift.

10 stuffs that make me happy

inspired by Marah's blog post (www.deepdiver10.multiply.com)

1. late night coffee time with my dad

2. getting decent grades

3. boxing

4. driving home sans the traffic

5. pasalubongs!

6. walking around (in the mall, in the park, around Malaybalay City, to the market in Baguio) with a good friend or two

7. random thoughtful text messages

8. post-it messages passed discreetly in class

9. pictures!

10. buffet dinners that include roast beef, minatamis na saging, chocolate fountain, rice pilaf, and beef kebab (almon marina style or something similar)with Carl

Lines

Been a while since I last wrote an entry and now, I'm bursting with thoughts that I don't know what to write about!

Hence, I'm just going to write a bit about a lot. And, no, I'm not going to delve into my usual melodrama. (Thank heavens for small blessings, huh?)

1. Twyla passed the bar!
Finally, she'd have no more reason to space out and cry and space out again while uttering, "10 percent. 10 percent." as if she were hypnotized by some wicked shopping addict. My question is, will she go back to being... unreligious?

2. I'm into boxing!
Or at least, I was into boxing last month. I haven't gone back to the gym since ... March 19, I guess. I miss bugging the people there and complaining about such hard work.

3. Thank God I'm not a nurse!
I'm a bit scared of blood (geez, I even hate the sight of my own blood). I abhor physical pain. I have the urge to cry and run away just seeing someone sweat profusely because of pain (try watching their faces as they writhe in agony and you'll be traumatized).
And then Carl broke his leg. And now I have to watch him hop his way to wherever. And get him painkillers. And learn how to work a bandage. And force patience on myself.
Geez. The learning process never stops.

4. I'm going home to Bukidnon this summer!
Yeah. And work a bit. And do my thesis. And bask in the sun, breathe in some fresh air... *big grin*

5. I went to Bataan for the Holy Week.

And Subic.

And passed by Mt. Samat.

And when I got home, Carl and I tried the Magnolia Creamery along Aurora. (Try it! Delish!)

6. Finals! Finals!
And yet I'm blogging.
I don't care. I've had a long, terrible day and I. Need. Some. Rest.

7. I wanna do an entry on reminiscence:
about how life was when I was a toddler, high school days, college, early years in law school... Hmmm... I will. Soon.

8. Poker!