Socially awkward is not something my friends would describe me. When I told them I thought of myself as such, they would either throw their heads back with laughter or vehemently insist I was wrong. But, seriously, I am.
I can do small talk, yes. But after 10 minutes, I'd start to doze off (while keeping both my eyes at least partially open). Sometimes, I tend to just count the pores on the other person's nose - which is not very helpful in my effort to carry on with the conversation. Those are practically the beat things I could do. Oftentimes, I would blurt out a taboo line, an exaggerated statement, or something utterly senseless - with no ill intentions, no. But only with the desire to keep the other person interested with our little chat or with me.
Oftentimes, specially in big groups, I just listen just so I can save face. When the group is composed of girls, I'm on my guard. Girls tend to dislike me. I can honestly say I understand them.
I would dislike myself if I weren't, well, me.
**************************************
It just occurred to me that if I'd eve figure in an accident, the police will have a hard time contacting the people who are supposed to be contacted and get the message across. If not that, well, at least I would have a hard time getting someone to come to my bedside - in the hospital or in the morgue.
In IDs, there's usually a slot where we'd put the person to be contacted in case of emergency. I usually put my father's details there. But while ahowering, I realized that if my father treats every call as he would treat mine - meaning, he wouldn't answer unless it's the person he would like to talk to at that moment, then I'd be waiting forever for the police to be able to inform him of my situation.
My cousin, the academician,and my niece, the dear one, would rush if ever they'd get the call but why would I inconvenience them with the designation? Plus, they have their own families to worry about. I'm just an extension of 'family', just another member of the clan. (Weirdly, this sentence led me to sing "just another woman in love, a kid out of school, lalalala" in my head.)
I would want to put the boy there but he would ask me why. And he'd say no. And he would not like the idea. (COMMENT MADE ON 2 MARCH 2010: I told him and it was okay. I think he loved the idea, even. Yay for me!)
Plus, I'm not sure if I'd even have a boy with me tomorrow or next week or next month, at least. As revealed above, I am senseless and awkward. Nobody would want that.
So I have to find somebody who will actually be there and who wouldn't grumble about the bother and whome I can pay back someday w/o any fear of actually hearing the favor done for me recounted to elicit guilt. I have to find aomeone who will not be thoroughly inconvenienced as, say, he/ she would have to catch a cab and pay expenses using the teeniest bit of savings he/she has.
But then, why would I want to inconvenience my friends when they have own lives? I wouldn't.
Maybe I should just leave that parf of the ID blank and go through the emergency alone, piting myself for being alone - if I would have the capacity or the conciousness to do so. Or maybe I could put my housenumber there and pray that my staff would be able to catch the words of the police and vice versa.
Bahala na.
*************************************
People talk down to other people when the latter permit the former to. I joine the latter group. I'm weak and spineless. Apologetic is my middle name and I apologize for everything imaginable.
As all this is my fault, I shouldn't be blaming other people for making me feel small. I am small. I should just accept my fate and keep my silence. I'm tired.
Now, I'm hoping for numbness to finally take me in.
I can do small talk, yes. But after 10 minutes, I'd start to doze off (while keeping both my eyes at least partially open). Sometimes, I tend to just count the pores on the other person's nose - which is not very helpful in my effort to carry on with the conversation. Those are practically the beat things I could do. Oftentimes, I would blurt out a taboo line, an exaggerated statement, or something utterly senseless - with no ill intentions, no. But only with the desire to keep the other person interested with our little chat or with me.
Oftentimes, specially in big groups, I just listen just so I can save face. When the group is composed of girls, I'm on my guard. Girls tend to dislike me. I can honestly say I understand them.
I would dislike myself if I weren't, well, me.
**************************************
It just occurred to me that if I'd eve figure in an accident, the police will have a hard time contacting the people who are supposed to be contacted and get the message across. If not that, well, at least I would have a hard time getting someone to come to my bedside - in the hospital or in the morgue.
In IDs, there's usually a slot where we'd put the person to be contacted in case of emergency. I usually put my father's details there. But while ahowering, I realized that if my father treats every call as he would treat mine - meaning, he wouldn't answer unless it's the person he would like to talk to at that moment, then I'd be waiting forever for the police to be able to inform him of my situation.
My cousin, the academician,and my niece, the dear one, would rush if ever they'd get the call but why would I inconvenience them with the designation? Plus, they have their own families to worry about. I'm just an extension of 'family', just another member of the clan. (Weirdly, this sentence led me to sing "just another woman in love, a kid out of school, lalalala" in my head.)
I would want to put the boy there but he would ask me why. And he'd say no. And he would not like the idea. (COMMENT MADE ON 2 MARCH 2010: I told him and it was okay. I think he loved the idea, even. Yay for me!)
Plus, I'm not sure if I'd even have a boy with me tomorrow or next week or next month, at least. As revealed above, I am senseless and awkward. Nobody would want that.
So I have to find somebody who will actually be there and who wouldn't grumble about the bother and whome I can pay back someday w/o any fear of actually hearing the favor done for me recounted to elicit guilt. I have to find aomeone who will not be thoroughly inconvenienced as, say, he/ she would have to catch a cab and pay expenses using the teeniest bit of savings he/she has.
But then, why would I want to inconvenience my friends when they have own lives? I wouldn't.
Maybe I should just leave that parf of the ID blank and go through the emergency alone, piting myself for being alone - if I would have the capacity or the conciousness to do so. Or maybe I could put my housenumber there and pray that my staff would be able to catch the words of the police and vice versa.
Bahala na.
*************************************
People talk down to other people when the latter permit the former to. I joine the latter group. I'm weak and spineless. Apologetic is my middle name and I apologize for everything imaginable.
As all this is my fault, I shouldn't be blaming other people for making me feel small. I am small. I should just accept my fate and keep my silence. I'm tired.
Now, I'm hoping for numbness to finally take me in.
Posts
2 comments:
Hmm.
There is a reason why i'm saving time to read certain entries.
It is quite something that people tend to write about aloneness - poetry, lyricism or otherwise.
It has a certain sense of mystery in it. That certain vastness of (empty? longing?) feeling.
Well i guess for some of us we have embraced aloneness. We know, we are aware that we are alone to begin with.
So we know that people, acquaintances and lovers alike - in our lives come and go. We may let others stay for a while, long as we enjoy their company, but well like undernourished seeds, they all die a natural death.
But i guess too, that somehow, there is also a reason why the word, hope is created. A simple philosophical joke. For purposes of argument, to juxtapose so to speak.
Others find hope when they're alone. Others need hope when they're alone - all depends on how we perceive aloneness, in our lives particularly.
Sometimes i think we're not giving justice to the word, alone - why do we often associate it with sadness? Than solitude, or peace.
Maybe we need to be able to reconcile all of them together - aloneness, sadness, peace, solitude - before we really could say we are okay, or that, we are alone AND okay.
:)
Hmmm.. Ill let you know - once I find myself in Ireland, sitting (or standing) on a cliff, looking at the sea, my hands in my coat pockets and a sunflower on my deep auburn beanie - that I'm alone. and lovin' eettt!
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